Day 8

Day 8. Glad I am keeping track. They are all starting to run together or catch up to me I can’t tell which. Ok. It has been A. DAY. I’ll just say it. I’m a mess. I have cried off and on all day. I miss my mom. I miss my Grandma. My life remains very good and mostly unchanged, as do theirs, but I’m personally not doing well. Mentally. I yelled at Marc earlier. In my defense, he said something unwittingly stupid. He didn’t mean it. But he did say it. I totally lost my cool and I regret it. I don’t have my regular endless amount of patience for my kids. And they are really good kids. I’m just struggling. Turns out it’s no fun living in a horror movie. Especially one where you don’t know how it ends or the run time.

Anyways, enough of that needless pity party. Marc went to Aldi’s this morning in some terrible fog. I described my feelings around the trip in the previous post. It went fine. He did great. Of course. They were basically out of cheese, yogurt, and meat but everything else seemed to be adequately stocked. He also paid the mortgage while he was out. A cupboard full of groceries inside a beautiful and warm home to share with the people I love. Perfect. Though, while he was gone I had an episode. I think it is the closest I’ve ever come to a panic attack? Worried about him driving in the fog. Worried about milk being out of stock for our baby Hart (the one staple of his diet). WORRIED ABOUT HIM BRINGING HOME THE VIRUS. And I don’t know I just felt weird. Like dizzy and faint. I couldn’t get my breathing right. I couldn’t get my heart rate right. Ultimately I just plopped down on the couch while my kids played and roughhoused around me until he returned home safe and sound. We followed all the precautions and I took the additional step of polishing all the items with a Clorox wipe. And then the day just kind of spiraled from there. Marc manages our families finances so I asked him to put together a “just in case” document of our bills and accounts and other essential information like account numbers and passwords. He kind of acted like “Why?” which set me off. Uhhhh…why not?!? Sheesh do I need to spell it out?

Can we leave this for a bit and talk about the bright spots of the day? Hart has started saying words! We think! He’ll say “mmmhmm” when I ask him if he wants his yogurt and berries. He will “moo” when he sees a cow in his books. He also pretty clearly articulates “wead sis!” (read this) while pointing to the book’s pages. It’s been a rainy day and tonight we heard him say “wain. wain. wain.” gazing out the window. Also, I swear sometimes I catch him say “whooooooaaaa”. Same, kid, same. So sweet. So adorable. Thad and I took advantage of a break in the rain to take a nature walk along the tiny creek that surrounds our property. We found not one but three crawdad claws. The hawks or varmints must spit them out. He splashed and played in the puddles. Getting muddy is good for you, right?

Ever since I brought Thad home from the hospital I’ve struggled with rumination and worry. I’m prone to anxiety/mild depression and becoming a mother kind of put all that into overdrive. I am cognizant of it every waking moment and actively trying to overcome it. Today I could not stop thinking if one of us were to get sick and need hospitalization we would be alone. They are not allowing visitors at our local hospital and I get it, it only makes sense. But the thought of any of us fighting this thing alone is almost too much. Like I mentioned, just a lot of tears today. My eyes are sore and swollen. Trying to balance hope and optimism with honesty about this global emergency is tough even under the best circumstances. The best advice I guess is just to take it day by day. Be good to yourself. Be good to each other. Reach out. Stay strong. And cry if you need to. But try not to yell.