The Mother Bever

Today was actually pretty chill. Only because I took a complete break from the news and Twitter. Highly recommend! I read a nice article about nurturing your mental health during a pandemic. It was written by a therapist and she presented the concept of “Both/And”. You can cling to your sanity by acknowledging that it is BOTH horrible AND the capacity exists to see silver linings. Maybe this will bring families closer together. Maybe our government can subsidize and support the common man over industry heads and CEOs. Could our leaders use this moment to address the income inequality issues that are fraying the fabric of America? Maybe Trump supporters will take the blindfolds off to see this inept monster for who he is and help to vote his dusty ass out. Our beautiful planet is catching a break with less fossil fuels burning. The dolphins have returned to the canals of Venice and the smog is clearing in Southern California. I’m counting my blessings today. My extended family is together in spirit. We are cooperating and communicating. We are on the same page. My immediate family is a source of joy. We are healthy. We still have our income and insurance. We are praying for those that are hurting severely and scared with additional circumstances we can only imagine. May God be with us all.

We are running low on milk and fresh foods. We normally order our groceries through an app and do pick-up. This has been a huge help to us through flu season. Due to current demands at stores it has been temporarily discontinued. Marc is planning an Aldis run first thing in the morning. We have discussed the precautions to take. This is an essential trip. I’m still feeling fretful though. I haven’t been out amongst the public in nearly 2 weeks. We haven’t ate food prepared outside of the house in that time. We’re doing everything in our power to flatten the curve.

It’s getting late and I’m tired. Signing off for now.

Well, today was eventful! I woke up to a message from my sister on my phone– she had taken a pregnancy test and it was POSITIVE! ! This is something she and her husband were planning on long before anyone ever heard of Covid-19. I’m so happy for them but I worry, too. As all pregnant women are considered immunocompromised, she has just become part of the at risk population. May God protect her always. She and her sweet, little family are so dear to me. Marc’s brother’s wife is expecting, too. They shared their news with us a few weeks back. We are blessed.

Well then I turned on MSNBC in our room while I got myself together. They were airing Gov. Cuomo’s press conference out of New York. Damn, I wish that guy was the president! He really seems to have his finger on the pulse of this thing. But the main and most shocking takeaway was him and his assembled team of experts asserting that the situation could “peak” in 45 days. 45 days (!!!) WTF. I’m supposed to keep us all cooped up for that long and beyond? Keep Granny convinced to stay the course for that length of time? Jarring.

Oh, then I remembered it happened to be St. Patrick’s Day. Every day is a celebration around here so I tend to go all out. The house is decorated accordingly. I had little green outfits planned to dress my boys in–spoiler alert! We stayed in various combinations of our pajamas all day. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Living our best self isolating life, what can I say?

I did get a festive meal planned– sheet pan sausage, potatoes, and peppers. I updated our weekly meal prep board. Thad helped me mix up the green dyed filling for lemon bars while Hart played happily. I spoke with my best girlfriend in Denver. She is so sweet and understanding. It is a comfort to be on the same page and share all these feelings with each other. We provided updates on our various craziness. At one point I cried to her. She comforted me. Grateful for that friendship. I laid the boys down for afternoon naps and handed the baby monitor over to Marc working from his “office” in the front room. I had ran a super hot bath. Opened the window and listen to birds chirp and sing while I soaked in the salty water. Actual bliss. A peaceful, sunny afternoon followed. Marc took both boys outside after he logged off from work. We are expecting rain the next two days.

One thing weighed heavily on me all day, though. Today is primary voting day for Illinois. I have never known Granny not to vote. So I secretly hoped she’d forego it. We (my mom, my Aunt Holly, and me) collectively try not to bombard her with too many calls, badgering, bad news, or any other annoying thing. Therefore, I decided to let this one go. When we spoke yesterday I asked her to avoid going out any way she could. But! If she were to leave the house, she needed to carry hand sanitizer, wipes, and wash up once she returned home. I asked mom to give me the update once she spoke with her. Well, no plot twist here. She chose to vote. She took her hand sanitizer. She was the only voter at her polling place. She scrubbed up when she got home. I respect her enough to allow her to make these decisions for herself. But of course I’d much prefer to keep her safe at home until further notice.

Another piece of news from the day: The state of Kansas has cancelled K-12 public school for the remainder of the school year. We’ll see what states follow.

Today has been long and my nerves are about shot.  My nighttime meds last night gave me the worst freakin’ nightmare.  I jolted awake sweaty and out of breath.  Won’t bore you with the details but cannot recommend that sleeping med combo from last night.  No Bueno.  My kids were bonkers today.  They are little sponges.  They sense something is off.  They sense our stress and worry.  Last week Thad asked me some very thoughtful questions and we had some good talks.  I have since stopped watching any type of news coverage in their presence.  And why shouldn’t I?  Even for myself.  I have all the information I need for now at least.  I do not want them to look back on this time as a source of pain.  My prayer now is that we, meaning our extended family, get out of this together and reunite in the spring—happy, healthy, and whole.  Anyways, I began thinking that my Granny might be running low on fresh groceries by now and the thought of her out and about was a solid “NO.”  I called my mom to see if it was ok to order her some grocery delivery.  She suggested I keep it simple by involving my brother to do the shopping and drop off.  Great idea!  So I called Granny to give her the latest.  Her dentist office had closed so she wouldn’t be able to go get the new partial she was expecting.  The State of Illinois had suspended the operation of all dine in restaurants and bars.   And most importantly for her, the CDC was calling for all people over the age of 65 to basically shelter in place and avoid the public.  She liked my grocery idea so I took down her little list of 4 items:

• 1 loaf of bread, preferably wheat.

• Any head of green leaf lettuce.

• 5 Roma tomatoes.

• 2-3 greenish bananas.

I contacted my brother, Harlan, and relayed the request with the list via fb messenger.  He didn’t respond for quite a while but I figured he was just busy at work.  Well eventually he responded with a picture of his swollen and scraped face—we’re talking to the point of disfigurement.  He had had an accident at work that necessitated him being seen in the ER.  He was fine and the CT scan showed no injuries but still felt uncomfortable interacting with Granny fearing that he could have been exposed to the virus in that setting.  Fair enough.  Therefore, he took the step of recruiting my cousin Heidi to do the grocery drop off.  So all’s well that ends well but wow.  Makes you think, though, let’s do everything we can to stay out of emergency rooms right now.  I nearly “panic bought” a swing set for the boys then immediately pictured stitches in Hart’s forehead.  Let’s do everything we can to be cautious and careful.  No power tool projects, hover boards, or roller skates.  Watch your step.  Stay safe.  Stay home. Be well.

Today was designated a “family relax day” for us.  We limited our news consumption, ate yummy food, and got some sunshine playing in the yard.  I went out first to pick up sticks to put in the burn pile.  Marc brought out the bundled-up boys after they woke from their afternoon naps.  I made a decadent broccoli cheese and rice casserole.  Marc cooked chicken.  Thad ate well but Hart did not.  I guess this is just a phase he is going through but I’ve become hyper aware of any food waste and obviously want to limit that as much as possible.  I thought about the week ahead and decided to treat myself to s decent night of sleep.  I took double my normal CBD amount plus a melatonin. 

We all got up and enjoyed homemade biscuits and gravy made by Marc.  I took the extra step of opening a tiny bottle of champagne that has been languishing in the back of the fridge for mimosas. We decided to all load up for a trip into town to refill our propane at the Menard’s self-service station.  I brought my trusty Lysol and hand sanitizer.  Marc reluctantly humored me by spraying down the machine.  It wasn’t working so we drove around on a bit of a sightseeing tour for our side of town looking for other self-serve stations.  There were an alarming amount of people shopping and out and about.  I worry about the ratio of my fellow citizens taking this threat seriously to those that are not.  In my mind, I lash out and call them mean names like morons and dumb shits.  Social media and a constant stream of dire news reports are starting to wear on me.  I’m agitated and angsty.  Finally, we decide to head back to Menard’s and purchase in store.  Only Marc goes in to complete the transaction and I liberally spray from the car dedicated hand sanitizer.  We head home hungry and ready for lunch.  Marc makes a chicken teriyaki stir-fry on his outdoor cooktop.  I help cleanup and decide a nap would suit me best.  I wake up 2 hours later and decide after the week’s events this would be the best thing for me.  Rest and unplug.  Let Marc handle the boys and really take a break.  Well, as all moms know that is like never in the cards.  Somehow that translated to bring the boys into our room to roughhouse on the carpet.  Hart pulled my lamp off the dresser and the glass shattered.  Marc and I exchanged words in our mutual frustration.  When calmer heads prevailed, we had a good talk to lay out what we needed from each other as partners as we face this together.  We are so very lucky to have each other—today and always.  Crazy to think about our 5-year anniversary approaching.  I’ve been thinking back to our honeymoon a lot.  The time we spent it Italy were some of the best days of my life.  Which reminds me about the most distressing news of the day.  On Twitter, a man compared the obits page of an Italian newspaper of 2 weeks ago to the multiple PAGES of today’s paper.  Stark.  Black and White.  Bleak.  Then as I was about to go to bed I saw people reporting the devolving situation at American airports.  Trump’s policy without proper planning was on full display here as new customs procedures were adopted for returning international travelers.  It led to a wall to wall gridlock of passengers shoulder to shoulder waiting up to 7 hours in line to get their bags and go through new customs screening procedures.  Maybe they were having their temperatures read?  It is unclear.  What is clear is there wasn’t staff available to handle the masses.  A dangerous and completely avoidable situation.  By this time, it was 1AM.  I debated whether or not to text my sister and ask her to call in to her double shift.  I talked myself out of it by remembering that her airport is not a major hub.  She is a smart and informed person and I trust her to make good decisions.  Needless to say, I got little sleep.  I looked at my phone before bed and I just shouldn’t.  Further, it may be time for me to delete the social media apps from my phone.  It seems like they are doing more harm than good. 

Marc got up and went to work as usual but it proved to be anything but just a normal day as more cancellations and restrictions and scary Italian news reports poured in.  It has become crystal clear that due to our nightmare administration level of government the United States is operating as though it is an undeveloped country.  Diagnoses and deaths slowly tick up but with no adequate testing in place you know it is just the tip of the iceberg.  I spoke with my friend in Denver.  Her husband works as an trader and the Wall Street read was predicting many deaths combined with eventual societal and economic collapse.  That combined with the warnings from scientists, mathematicians, and public health experts told the story—we were simply not prepared for what was to come.  There were not enough hospital beds or ventilators to treat the inevitable onslaught of critically ill people. In Italy doctors were practicing something akin to wartime medicine.  Deciding who would be treated with the available supplies and who would be treated for an as comfortable as possible death from bilateral pneumonia.   Cannot begin to describe feeling the brunt of those words.  Honestly unsure if my brain is even able to process this fully.  Next, I called Granny.  Just hearing her voice has a way of making your day and she made mine.  She was calm and happy as usual.  A comfort I’ve come to count on ever since Trump was elected president.  Thankfully, she is wise and was heeding the warnings.  She was keeping to herself and had ceased her water aerobics and shopping trips.  I told her if things were to deteriorate and get really, really bad we had a room for her and her dog here.  I’d be to her in 3 hours, day or night, and we would do anything to make her as happy as possible knowing that she does best in her own home.  She was touched by the offer and thought that made the most sense although we agreed only a dire circumstance would bring us to that juncture.  Marc put in for his telework agreement and gathered his laptop and other necessities to begin working from home.  He picked up my grocery order from Walmart.  With reports of “panic buying” I was anxious to see what all could be fulfilled.  It was just our usual weekly order and luckily most things were in stock or could be substituted with similar items.  We would be cooking from home from now on and foregoing our usual treat of eating out once or twice on the weekends.   When he got home I was so mentally and physically fatigued—I realized I hadn’t ate a bite of food all day.  Maybe I had lost my appetite or maybe just all the distractions.  We made 2 frozen pizzas because everyone seemed extra hungry for comfort food and ended up going to bed earlier than usual for a Friday night.  I slept surprisingly well, everything considered.  I think it was just all the buildup and being mostly home alone with the boys all week. 

I have been monitoring the news of the novel corona virus for several weeks now.  It was first brought to my attention back in January by my friend and hair dresser Heather.  She texted me saying her husband was in a panicked frenzy preparing for the eventual spread of the virus by stockpiling any necessary supplies he could think of to protect his family should the situation materialize here like it did in China.  I reassured her by conveying that while I had read about it I was not at all concerned.  After all, my family was recovering from yet another stomach virus at the time.  Like usual, I was just focused on what was in front of me.  This had been our sickest year by far but that’s not a great way to describe it.  The year is only 3 months old.  Essentially, it had been 6 months of back to back illness for us Bevers dating back to the downtown Halloween trick or treat celebration when I allowed Thad to select his own candies from the big bowls that every other little kid had put their hands in.  See Thad is a nail nibbler and that brought about a very scary middle of the night situation in which we had to rush him to the hospital in respiratory distress.  It was a bad germ.  He recovered, of course.  But from there it just became a string of ear infections, flus, tummy bugs including the norovirus for me, common colds, dripping teething nose for Hart.  Marc missed 4 days of work with another virus.  It just went on and on.

But a seed had been planted in the back of my mind after Heather described her situation at home.  I started following the news more closely. I took stock of my own family’s supply shelf we keep down in the basement.  It is normally just paper towels, tp, coffee pods, diapers, and wipes… So, by early February I started to think about what my family would need if we were to get sick.  And it wasn’t much since I had already put together a “flu survival kit”.  It was basically 2 bottles of Nyquil, a can of Lysol, a few cans of soup, saltine crackers, and a flat of Gatorade.  Over the course of the month though my thinking had changed to “what if we got the virus what would we need at home to avoid going out?”  At that point, I started paying closer attention to my grocery orders.  I added an extra bottle of baby Tylenol and vapor rub for the kids, Tylenol and Ibuprofen and cough drops for the grownups.  I started spending a few dollars extra on pantry items, too.  Everything extra began to fill up the supply shelf.  This kind of preparation made me feel good that I was doing the best to take care of my family little by little so we wouldn’t become undue burdens later.

Also around this time my mom was preparing to fly down to Florida to visit my sister and care for my baby niece while my sister and her husband worked, she as a flight attendant and he a pilot.  I shared my initial thoughts with her which was a vague “we should keep an eye on this” situation and began my “wash your hands//don’t touch your face mantra” that was drilled into me by the news articles I had consumed.  Little did I know then I would eventually annoy every one of my family members by repeating this ad nauseum.  I also encouraged my immediate family members to start taking stock of their own supplies:  pet food, baby formula, paper and cleaning products, stock your freezers–“Just be prepared, it could be nothing,” I said, knowing that they would eventually use all the goods anyways.  I think they all took me seriously except for maybe my brother.  He can be hard to reach sometimes.

For me, everything started to reach a fever pitch as Marc prepared for a work trip to San Diego the 1st week of March.  I initiated the same conversation over and over:  “Have you spoken with your boss?”  “Can the trip be postponed?” “Why can’t this be done remotely?”  “I don’t think you should be flying.”  “Has anyone at work discussed contingency plans?” “Any communication at all?  You’re a federal government employee…they must be telling you something?!”  Nope.  Nada.   He was polite to me about it up to a point but I could tell he hadn’t raised my concerns in any substantial way.  It is just not his way.  He tends to go with the flow.  Well by the weekend before he was to leave on Monday morning I started to feel frantic.  The news reports out of Iran and South Korea were scary.  It was showing up in Europe.  Italy in particular was in bad shape.  Anxiety began to set in and it can get the best of me.  Eventually, Marc and I had an argument.  He was adamant he would go on the trip and that he trusted the professionals at the CDC to make the right calls to protect the country.  I felt just the opposite!  With no testing available and reports that it had now reached the west coast, I imagined it spreading out of control like wildfire.  I pictured the airports being complete germ bombs.  He was going on the trip and now a sense of dread and responsibility washed over me.  What about my kids?   What if we get sick?  Our parents are seniors, not to mention our precious Grandmas!  Knowing my mom was away and my Granny was home alone and a member of the most vulnerable population spun me.  It would be me to care for her, I promised myself.  For that reason alone, I had to remain healthy.  But oh my God, what about my mom?  Chambry and Adam face exposure just working their jobs…would they bring it home to her?  Now fear was taking over my mind set. 

That week was basically a blur.  Marc left at 5am on Monday morning to catch his flight.  I sent him off with my one spray hand sanitizer and a little baggie with Clorox wipes.  By this time both were in short supply in stores.  “Wash your hands//Don’t touch your face.” I was expecting a visit from my in-laws by the weekend so I was planning for that.  I made 18 chocolate cupcakes with a swoop of vanilla frosting on each, placed them lovingly on the glass domed cake stand, and awaited their arrival.  My mom found a recipe to make your own hand sanitizer.  As a person that has lived through the trauma of disasters it’s just in my nature now to do anything I can when I can with what I have.  Preparation, cleaning, cooking, and organizing is a balm to my daily anxieties.   Because of this, I had all the supplies on hand without doing more shopping.  The alcohol I had for after the birth of my babies to clean their little navels…  The aloe gel in the fridge was for my yearly sunburn.  I checked Twitter pretty much hourly monitoring the quickly devolving situation in Italy.  I kept in morning, noon, and night contact with my family members in Illinois and Florida.  I took care of my sweet children.  The time went so fast and Thursday came and Marc flew home safely.  We were happy to have him home but I also felt resentful.  Why did he go?  So dumb.  He could be sick and we wouldn’t even know it.  By now it was a full-on crisis.  Daily White House briefings that weren’t worth a damn.  More praising of our Dear Leader 45 and Mike Pence’s sleepy bullshit.  STILL NO TESTING AVAILABLE.  Panic buying in the grocery stores.  Toilet paper hoarding (??!?).  All sports and music festival cancellations began rolling in, including the March Madness tournament– our favorite.  It was all surreal and hard to describe. 

From here on out I’ll try to check in with a daily briefing of what we did and how we felt, what we learned and what we did to keep busy.  And most importantly what we did to look out for one another and take care of each other.  But first, I’d like to explain the entire purpose for this blog, at least what was its initial purpose.  Marc helped me set it up back in December when we were all looking forward to the fresh start that 2020 would bring.  We were looking forward to a lot and I wanted a place to document it all thinking maybe our boys would like to read back on it someday.  I wanted to write about our planned kitchen remodel, my homemaking, Hart learning to talk, Thad’s first day of preschool.  I wanted to show off the matching sweaters I had bought on clearance for next year’s Christmas cards and document learning to make my own sourdough bread.  I wanted to focus on making healthy and positive changes for our family.  Well, it never got off the ground until now and I think you can gather why from all the aforementioned reasons.  I was busy being sick or taking care of sick kids and just doing my best to get through the day.  That all seems quaint now.  My best hope is that we will all be able to band together as a nation, care for each other, and weather this storm…  the best-case scenario would be we all remain healthy and when this passes, I could return to a blog about the beauty, joys, and challenges of motherhood and homemaking.