The Mother Bever

Marc turned the calendars over to a the 4th month of the year. April Fools! It waffles between feeling like a split second and an eternity since New Years. Yikes.

215K recorded diagnosis. Over 5k recorded deaths from Covid-19 in the United States alone. (The global death toll is over 45k.) The major hotspot is New York, which is why we get these daily, no nonsense press conferences from Governor Cuomo. Also New Orleans, Detroit, and Chicago. But it’s everywhere. Seattle and San Francisco seem to be maintaining due to early efforts and shut downs. It just keeps getting more horrible and more devastating. Tent hospitals are being built in Central Park and the NY tennis center. The Javits Convention Center is now a makeshift hospital thanks to the Army Corps of Engineers. A Navy hospital ship is docked in the harbor- another step towards easing the hospitals’ burdens. Right now it seems like a drop in the bucket compared to the wave of patients coming. Tonight my thoughts are with the healthcare workers and first responders on the front lines. Our essential workers– mail carriers, garbage collectors, delivery drivers, farmworkers, and grocers. Vulnerable populations in nursing homes and jails. The poor refugees in crisis. Lots of people are hurting. We’ve been warned: April is going to be very, very bad. Very painful.

I remain one of the lucky ones here at the 3 week mark. (We had a slight head start on self isolating as I described in my first post.) Our family and extended families are healthy and following guidelines. We are a one income family and Marc continues to work from home. Our haircuts, Hartford’s 18 month check-up, and dental cleanings have all been canceled. Life is disrupted for those that love their neighbors. I hung some encouraging signage from the graphic designer and printmaker OLD TRY out of Massachusetts in our front room window.

My back is finally feeling better– I have so many garden and lawn projects that I want to get to. Tonight Marc made a terrific supper of cube steak, mashed potatoes with country gravy, and green beans. Home cooking is such a comfort but we are really missing our local favorites of Crescent Donuts, Mother Bear’s Pizza, and Yogi’s brunch. Our favorite supper restaurants Lennie’s and Uptown are shuttered for the duration. I think Marc is open to doing carry out but I am firmly committed to absolutely no unessential trips or interactions. Yes, it’s lame. I’m lame. I read that we are expected to lose 70% of restaurants. That’s a big deal in a foodie town like Bloomington.

Today was cool and gloomy. I didn’t have a ton of energy. I’ve been nibbling my nails (God! No!) and I have a giant canker sore inside my bottom lip from stress. It is sad and stressful. But! The bright spot was calling Granny. We laughed a lot. She is doing so well but is definitely looking forward to having my mom back home on Sunday (the day her quarantine period ends). Granny said she and I have the longest conversations out of anyone that phones her. We never run out of things to talk about. I love her so much!! I was telling her how naughty Hart is compared to Thad as a baby… She told me “ornery little boys grow into wonderful men.” Ahhh. Sweet place to end it.

Ok. So I took a little break but I’m back. On Saturday I woke up with a ton of energy and the weather was pleasant so we got a lot accomplished. I cleaned off the front porch and reconfigured the furniture on the back deck. We discussed what we would plant and where. Marc is in charge of ordering the seeds. I did so much cleaning and moving and yard work that by Sunday my back was trashed. So I spent all of Sunday afternoon and evening in bed alternating between ice packs and the hotpad. I dug out the medications prescribed last time I did this to myself. They help a little, especially when combined with 1/2 of a THC gummi. Unfortunately I am running low on those (leftover party supplies from our Las Vegas trip).

We discovered we could get into Kroger for pickup and spent the weekend building a $200 list for Tuesday pickup. Everything was in stock!! Marc did the pick-up, got our medicines refilled, and got gas so we are well supplied for the foreseeable future. We will need more milk in 7 days, though. I am so grateful to see fresh produce sitting on the counter again. Tons of lettuce for salads and yogurt and lunch meat in the fridge. I’ll never take grocery shopping for granted again.

Trump ordered that the social distancing measures stay in place until at least April 30th. A lot of folks took this as a major blow while I think it is good news. Normal life cannot resume until we stamp this thing out!! Dr. Birx of the CDC stated in a television interview that if the American people do everything perfectly per the guidelines we will still lose between 100k and 200k Americans. Sure, that is better than the millions forecasted if no precautions were taken but that number is staggering. It just shatters me.

I cried a lot of tears on Sunday. Like a lot. I was in bed and had nothing better to do. Then the news came that John Prine, one of our favorite singer songwriters, was intubated and in critical condition from Covid-19. We named our youngest Hartford Prine after him. We’ve been playing a lot of his music and praying he will pull through.

Tonight I made my mom’s enchiladas. They were so good. Made me miss her a lot. Gratefully she is doing really well at my brother’s and over 1/2 way through her quarantine before she can move back in with Granny safely. We FaceTimed today–so good to see her and hear her voice at the same time. We discussed how certain extended family members were dumbasses for not staying home and the possibility of me ordering a grocery pick-up for her and Granny.

Ok, obviously everyone has more time on their hands these days so I’m going to play a quiz game with Marc that has been circulating on Facebook. This is what he said about me:

***WITHOUT prompting, ask your partner these questions and write EXACTLY what they say!***

•What is something I say a lot?
“Gimme a break.”

•How tall am I?
5’6″

•What’s my favorite thing to eat?
Shrimp and Grits from Michael’s Uptown Cafe

•What do I do when I’m not with you?
Watch trashy TV.

•What is my favorite movie?
Prince of Tides

•If I could go anywhere, where would I go?
Right Now- Mom & Granny’s house

Any other time: Back to Italy

•How do I annoy you?
Micromanaging to get things done “my way”…

•What is my favorite TV show?
Insecure.

•Who is my celebrity crush?
Today it is Governor Cuomo. But it used to be Louis CK. 😦

•You get a phone call that I am in trouble, who am I with?
Francis.

•What do I hate?
Trump. Morons. Know it alls. Litter. When my house is messy.

•What’s my favorite drink?
Sparkling water.

•What gets my temper going the most?
Politics. And Messes. And people not listening to you.

•What’s my shoe size?
8 or 9 depending on the shoe.

•Describe me in 3 words:
Empathetic, Beautiful, Particular.

Tomorrow is April 1st. I’ll be reporting back.

I can’t focus on or follow the news right now. There is a lot of uncertainty. Sometimes you’ll read a glimmer of hope but for the most part it all remains heavy and scary so I just take breaks as needed. The thing that is troubling me the most now is this continued lack of PPE to protect our frontline healthcare workers. Without doctors and nurses where are we? The ventilator and bed shortage is frightening. So sometimes I just put it away in the back of my mind and focus on what is in front of me. A little thunderstorm blew threw early this morning and now tonight more are firing up. Which brings me to my latest concern: the threat of spring severe weather that has become increasingly violent due to climate change colliding with Covid-19. I’ve lost a home to such a threat so it is all very real to me. Illinois is expecting severe weather tomorrow so I will be following that closely.

Thad played in the front yard all afternoon while Marc worked from a lawn chair. I know he was really working because Thad was operating mostly unsupervised and got super dirty requiring an immediate bath. I stayed in baking monster cookies while Hart napped. We are sleeping with the windows open. The spring peepers sure are peeping.

We attempted family movie night with Mrs. Doubtfire but it held no one’s attention. So we switched it to a live stream concert by my good high school friend Christy Hays. It is all the rage right now. Everyone is doing it and it is a nice way to pass the time.

It is 11pm and we just now (!!!) got both little boys to bed. My favorite television chef, Vivian Howard, premiered her new show on PBS tonight. I didn’t get to pay much attention because Thad was leading us through a very funny, very cute, and surprisingly challenging meditation and stretching routine. Now a Ken Burns doc on the Roosevelt family is on that I’d like to watch so off I go.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my sister Chambry! She’s just the best. We’ve been facebook chatting all day and sharing pictures. I really am missing her, she always keeps me laughing. Sounds like she’s had a good one. Adam made her a really impressive cake. While doing our morning walk I tried to make everyone sing to her but got little cooperation- haha. It was so warm outside I broke a sweat jogging up the hills.

Looks like our family stands to gain the max $3,400 from the stimulus bill. (That’s $1,200 per grownup and $500 for each child based upon 2018’s tax return.) No immediate plans for that yet as it feels like I’ve postponed our kitchen remodel indefinitely. I just can’t think about something so frivolous right now. We should just hold onto it so we can pass it along if a loved one should need it, right? Uncertain times, ya know?

I took it super easy today. Everyone subsisted off of yesterday’s cook-a-thon and both boys took a decent nap. They hadn’t been napping well at the onset of all this but are hopefully settling into this new rhythm with Marc being home all the time and extra outside play time and a weird zombie mom taking care of them.

I’ve been doing a lot of reaching out on social media lately. Mostly just responding to and posting my own Instagram stories. It just feels nice to encourage or connect. It feels kinda silly though, too. I miss seeing other humans. Mom and Granny the most. I certainly believe we are entering some kind of final blow of this Trump fueled national mourning. The hits just keep coming and have since 2016. I’m just so frustrated and sad and disgusted and afraid of the whole thing. I’m over it. I can’t think of anything else to say other than to mention a new, horrifying milestone: The US leads the world in number of confirmed Covid-19 cases and how can that be when our testing is still an epic failure?!

I’m trying to get Marc to watch Curb Your Enthusiasm with me but he’s not that into it.

Last night I quizzed Marc about the dates of the trip we took to Las Vegas. It was a work trip for him but I tagged along for the first half while my mom stayed here with the boys. Man we had so much fun. Stayed at Caesar’s Palace in a super deluxe suite. They had amazing decorations everywhere to celebrate Chinese New Year. We hung out in the casino and dined at the buffet. I came home with double the money that I started with so hell yea. Mild weather and a red convertible to scoot around in. Just a nice, chill time. Anyways, Marc flew home on January 24th. 12 days later he started feeling really bad and the next day he missed work- ended up being 4 days in all, absolutely unheard of for him. He was feverish, achy to the point that I frequently heard him moaning from behind our closed bedroom door, pounding headache, terrible sputtering cough, and tummy trouble. His mom was worried. My mom was worried. We were all pretty worried. Then I got sick but far less severely. Just that screaming headache and the worst body aches. So, I have to wonder … did we have Covid-19? I mean it certainly seems possible. Of course the disease was in the country by then. As soon as it makes sense for us to request that antibody screen its on. It’s really frightening to think about. In between the time he flew home to the time he got sick we hosted senior citizens in our home for Thad’s birthday. We ate out at Yogis. We went to his 4 year check up at the pediatrician’s office. We had no idea then or now.

There is a promising relief bill but its jammed in the Senate because Republicans are assholes. They think it is too generous to low wage earners or something, I don’t know. I can barely pay attention to the political bullshit. Not sure what else to say. Full blown crisis but its business as usual for the Party of Trump. Sounds like things are getting really scary in NYC. Already up to nearly 1000 deaths in the U.S. We’ll see what tomorrow brings.

I cooked all day today. Wild blueberry muffins for breakfast. Red beans and rice with a green salad for lunch. Meatloaf, parsley potatoes, and honey carrots for supper. I barely ate any of it. No appetite really. Which is fine I could stand to miss a few meals. Plenty for leftovers for tomorrow which is nice considering I can’t really make what is on my meal prep board due to grocery store shortages. Not complaining! So grateful to have a fridge and freezer full of nutritious food. I finished 2 loads of laundry and started 2 more. Marc took the kids outside not once but twice and they played hard. Also, shout out to him because he fixed our garbage disposal which pleased me to no end.

We need a new show to watch but not tonight. Looking forward to a cup of hot tea and an early bedtime.

Am I allowed to say I had a great day? When I think about it everything within our 4 walls marches on. We laugh, play, cook, and snuggle. I secured grocery pick up in a town 18 miles away so we are rich in milk again– 2.5 gallons worth should last us about 5 days. There were still shortages of yogurt, cheese, and meat but those things we can make some adjustments for and do without. The boys and I spent our morning play time out on our road, Thad pushing Hart in the mini stroller and me jogging beside in the overcast 41 degree weather. We did 3 laps. I only did 2 last time so I guess I’m progressing. I prepared a few pieces of mail and 2 packages to send to Chambry- one for her birthday and one of summer hand me downs for Rosie, my niece. I set a few things in the mailbox for our carrier to take. Marc said he would try to help me print labels from stamps.com for the rest. Mom made her famous enchiladas and delivered those and a little sack of groceries to Granny’s garage. They spoke to one other from inside and outside to maintain a safe distance. Mom said she looked and sounded great. I cautioned Mom to monitor her senses of smell and taste. I read something somewhere that said that can be an early symptom according to a team of ENTs. Now I’m second guessing myself because I can’t recall the source. Hope I didn’t get snookered by FAKE NEWS. A lot of misinformation and rumor churning. The dear leader is a heavy contributor in that department and not much else.

Marc has been slowly working on creating a more sustainable work space by cleaning up his desk and migrating his stuff from our dining table to the home office dedicated corner of the front room. He was also more helpful just in general today. It really is so appreciated but I should work on demonstrating that a little better.

The news remains grim. Still no deal on a stimulus bill. My brother learned he was laid off for an additional 2 weeks so he filed for unemployment with the state of Illinois. My sister and her husband received a stark email from their CEO- big changes and cuts are coming. What exactly still remains to be seen. I can’t image that fear on top of this existing fear. I’m so grateful and I guess that’s what I mean by I had a good day. I didn’t cry. I didn’t meltdown. But I am in mourning for whatever loss is coming next or maybe one that I don’t realize is already gone. Hard to explain. My nerves are shot. Marc suggested I call the “teledoc” for a script. What could they even give me? I’d love a daily dose of marijuana I can tell you that much! And no, I’m not one bit ashamed. I tried to make a cocktail like all the other moms. It was disgusting but I can’t stand to waste so I set it on the table for Marc to finish. He took a few gulps.

On this day, 8 years ago I moved to 113 1/2 E. 1st Street Bloomington, Indiana. I adopted my kitty Tupelo and started my job with the HR team at Worm’s Way. My life has changed in so many beautiful and unexpected ways since then. I guess I’ll just keep riding the wave.

Tonight we are finishing the Tiger King documentary. It has turned deeply upsetting here in the last few episodes but I’m not a quitter.

Today was calm. Tried to get back to our usual rhythm seeing as it was Monday morning again. I had to do a ton of housework to get caught up from my lazy weekend. I should have a much easier time tomorrow.

Mom seems to be settling in to life at Harlan’s. She made fried rice and a pie and set up her painting table. Harlan was home from work today and tomorrow as his workplace puts safety measures in place for them to keep working. Mom asked Granny if she wanted her to drive over so they could visit with each other through her front window. Granny said, “No thanks, I don’t like window peekers.” LOL!

I baked chocolate muffins for breakfast and made bar snacks for supper. Governor Holcomb put Indiana under a SIP. The surgeon general warned that this week would be bad. Trump is hinting about easing the restrictions at the end of the 14 day period to get the economy rolling again. His exact words tweeted and also printed on WH letterhead for release read:

“We cannot let the cure be worse than the problem itself. At the end of the 15 day period, we will make a decision as to which way we want to go!”

I mean if that doesn’t send a chill up your spine I don’t know what will. Not sure what else I can say about that. Time to put these little boys to bed. Marc and I are looking forward to another wacko episode of Tiger King on Netflix.

Bringing you the weekend’s post in a combo entry only because I slept most of the day yesterday for my physical and mental health. I took today super easy, too. The anxiety of getting my mom home via an airline was crushing me. But I am so happy to report she is back in Illinois! I am praying she is healthy. She took a lot of precautions (sewed her own mask!) and flew in her own row with no one in front of or behind her. Harlan worked so hard all day to prepare his house for her….clean sheets and towels, spic and span. Welcome Home, Mom! We’ll be keeping a close eye on her as she quarantines but I’m feeling positive amd grateful.

Marc took super care of the kids. He used the leftovers from Thursday’s Italian beef to make an excellent veggie beef soup. He and Thad made pixel art on my laptop and made/played a homemade board game. Hart ran wild all weekend. I trimmed some more hair out of his eyes. At this age we took Thad to the barber shop for his first haircut. Hart has such beautiful red hair so I’m happy to keep it long. He is my last baby and I’m totally fine putting the growing up process in slow motion for now. We are keeping close tabs on our close friends and extended families. FaceTime is a godsend now more than ever.

Speaking of families, you may know that I am estranged from my father and have been for a few years now. It was my choice and I am grateful for it. We wish him no harm but it is in the best interest of my family to keep that boundary in place. Well, last night at around midnight I got a text from his wife. I groaned to Marc like “Ugh, what now?” Thankfully, it was a mostly benign and likely drunken check in. I decided to wait until this morning to respond politely. I included pics of the boys (they have never met our youngest) and never heard a word back. LOL, whatever man. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

It was a relaxing weekend and I have my husband to thank for that. He took over and created the space that allowed me to rest. I’m feeling stronger and I’m ready to take on a new week. The news remains horrifying. Really can’t get started on Trump. He is a nightmare/moron/criminal/liar/sociopath on the loose. The main takeaway is there is still a lack of testing and now a shortage of PPE for our frontline healthcare workers. Hospital administrators have put out pleas to the DIY community to make homemade masks as they would be better than nothing. I looked around for materials and will bring up my sewing machine from the basement to see if I can contribute. A relief bill got jammed in the Senate sending futures plunging. I’d say that we’ll know more this week about the economic fall out. It is another layer of fear and uncertainty.

Sunday is my favorite night for my trashy tv. May not get to it because I think Marc and I are going to start a Netflix documentary called Tiger King. (I started and finished Cheer without him.) He also enjoys watching the late show comics and their Youtube posts. Laughter helps. So does rest so signing off until tomorrow.

I’m writing from our bedroom as I listen to Marc enjoy a virtual happy hour with his siblings, Minnesota cousins, and Grandma Johnson in Arizona via FaceTime. His brother Matt organized it and it is the sweetest thing! It is great to hear her voice and her memories of the Polio scare and barren store shelves during WWII. American’s have been through trying times before. Love a senior citizen’s perspective!

Today has been more of the same plus a plot twist as per usual. We’re all lucky to lead quiet lives so it just feels surreal, a new trial or 10 everyday. The president gave another crazy, inappropriate, detrimental press conference. My sister was promoted to a new job that would limit her flying as she would work in more of a management/support capacity for flight attendants. She was in her new role for a whole 2 days before the airline eliminated her position. She was left reeling as you could imagine. Of course, they invited her back to fly but considering her personal news I don’t think that is an option moving forward. Thus, we are making plans to bring my Mom back to the midwest! This is both fantastic news and anxiety inducing. She is considered among the senior population so the thought of her flying is not ideal. Marc has offered to meet Adam in Chattanooga, the halfway point. It would be a long trip but it could be done pretty safely by packing all meals, drinks, and necessary disinfectant products for stops. Still up in the air as of now but she is has a standby seat on a flight to Illinois on Sunday. Flights are not flying anywhere near to full (social distancing is catching on! -YAY. But the industry my sister’s family’s income is dependant upon is crumbling. Upsetting.) Harlan has agreed to pick her up and keep her quarantined at his house for 12 days. Then, onto Granny’s. I’m on edge but it’s not my call to make. Letting go and letting God. In Jesus name we pray. Amen.

I know why I’ve been struggling the last few days. I started my period today. It is always a hard for me. Extremely painful and unpredictable cycle. I need to have an ultrasound done to determine if there are any treatments that can help me but who knows when that will happen. Regret not making it a priority when I had the choice. Until then I take a prescribed dose of Naproxen, heat, ice, hydration, and rest.

I got a call from my brother Harlan he had heard that the governor of Illinois was going to shut down the state. Sure enough it was announced this afternoon. California put out a shelter-in-place order yesterday. This seems a step below what one would normally expect from a SIP situation– you can go to the store, exercise outdoors, the roadways will be open, and only essential workers will be allowed to work. Harlan says plumbers are essential so he will still be working his regular schedule.

And to end things on a high note, Thad learned to somersault today. He is so proud! I see a lot of practicing in our future. Time to binge watch Cheer on Netflix. It’s the freakin’ weekend, I’m gonna have me some fun.

Day 8. Glad I am keeping track. They are all starting to run together or catch up to me I can’t tell which. Ok. It has been A. DAY. I’ll just say it. I’m a mess. I have cried off and on all day. I miss my mom. I miss my Grandma. My life remains very good and mostly unchanged, as do theirs, but I’m personally not doing well. Mentally. I yelled at Marc earlier. In my defense, he said something unwittingly stupid. He didn’t mean it. But he did say it. I totally lost my cool and I regret it. I don’t have my regular endless amount of patience for my kids. And they are really good kids. I’m just struggling. Turns out it’s no fun living in a horror movie. Especially one where you don’t know how it ends or the run time.

Anyways, enough of that needless pity party. Marc went to Aldi’s this morning in some terrible fog. I described my feelings around the trip in the previous post. It went fine. He did great. Of course. They were basically out of cheese, yogurt, and meat but everything else seemed to be adequately stocked. He also paid the mortgage while he was out. A cupboard full of groceries inside a beautiful and warm home to share with the people I love. Perfect. Though, while he was gone I had an episode. I think it is the closest I’ve ever come to a panic attack? Worried about him driving in the fog. Worried about milk being out of stock for our baby Hart (the one staple of his diet). WORRIED ABOUT HIM BRINGING HOME THE VIRUS. And I don’t know I just felt weird. Like dizzy and faint. I couldn’t get my breathing right. I couldn’t get my heart rate right. Ultimately I just plopped down on the couch while my kids played and roughhoused around me until he returned home safe and sound. We followed all the precautions and I took the additional step of polishing all the items with a Clorox wipe. And then the day just kind of spiraled from there. Marc manages our families finances so I asked him to put together a “just in case” document of our bills and accounts and other essential information like account numbers and passwords. He kind of acted like “Why?” which set me off. Uhhhh…why not?!? Sheesh do I need to spell it out?

Can we leave this for a bit and talk about the bright spots of the day? Hart has started saying words! We think! He’ll say “mmmhmm” when I ask him if he wants his yogurt and berries. He will “moo” when he sees a cow in his books. He also pretty clearly articulates “wead sis!” (read this) while pointing to the book’s pages. It’s been a rainy day and tonight we heard him say “wain. wain. wain.” gazing out the window. Also, I swear sometimes I catch him say “whooooooaaaa”. Same, kid, same. So sweet. So adorable. Thad and I took advantage of a break in the rain to take a nature walk along the tiny creek that surrounds our property. We found not one but three crawdad claws. The hawks or varmints must spit them out. He splashed and played in the puddles. Getting muddy is good for you, right?

Ever since I brought Thad home from the hospital I’ve struggled with rumination and worry. I’m prone to anxiety/mild depression and becoming a mother kind of put all that into overdrive. I am cognizant of it every waking moment and actively trying to overcome it. Today I could not stop thinking if one of us were to get sick and need hospitalization we would be alone. They are not allowing visitors at our local hospital and I get it, it only makes sense. But the thought of any of us fighting this thing alone is almost too much. Like I mentioned, just a lot of tears today. My eyes are sore and swollen. Trying to balance hope and optimism with honesty about this global emergency is tough even under the best circumstances. The best advice I guess is just to take it day by day. Be good to yourself. Be good to each other. Reach out. Stay strong. And cry if you need to. But try not to yell.